Life in all its glory

When you have a child, there are lots of things you have to give up.

A clean car, for example.

Or a relationship.

BDSM was the first thing I was forced to give up. It somehow stopped being important as nature took over and my gears shifted into mummy mode.

I did not regret giving it up. It had destroyed my soul in ways you cannot even imagine. The association of pain with pleasure, the lust for harder and more extreme activities that never ends...

It took years to get used to the new way of things and feel happy with my role in life. Just when I had given up on any hope for a relationship, a man arrived and swept me off my feet. (Not literally, of course, as it would take a bodybuilder to actually sweep me off my feet...)

Man was handsome, albeit very cuddly. Man had the kindest eyes and manners I had ever encountered. He spoke in even tones and had a solution for every problem. Faced with his calm nature, I calmed down. My child had never seen me with such a dreamy look in my eyes and a flush on my cheeks and no matter how hard I tried to hide my infatuation with this Man, I could fool no one. And so the Ice Queen fell...

We moved in together and spent the first few months of our relationship in absolute bliss. It was nice being a family and we faced all problems together; supporting and encouraging each other, having lots of fun along the way. He knew about my previous life but did not mind it. If anything, he was fascinated by it and kept dropping hints which made me believe that he wanted to submit to me. However, I was not likely to reopen a closed chapter in my life.

Then the honeymoon period ended. The Man’s work became more and more demanding, taking him away for long periods of time. I had to get used to his long absences. There was always the joy of reunion and lots of amazing sex. He knew how to make my body sing, I am not ashamed to admit it. And it was just vanilla sex, not a hint of pain or humiliation in sight, just sweet lovemaking.

But good things come in small measures. The absences became more frequent and the next thing I knew was that I was struggling again on my own, but had no joy or benefits, because he was always exhausted and I was reticent to make any demands on him.

And so we grew apart until one day the dissatisfaction overflowed and there was no stopping the events that ensued.

We tried to talk about it – at least I did. Man is not very good at dealing with things, you see. His method is to sweep anything unpleasant under the carpet and forget about it. But I kept stumbling over the bulges caused by sweepings. Finally, it was easier to let him go rather than carry on living like this...

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I haven’t had sex for over six months now.

My car continues to be messy.

I love him still.