Christmas

I never thought I'd say this, but I hate Christmas. I've decided this today and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me change my mind.

I hate how this holiday makes me feel lonely and vulnerable and how I strive to make things perfect when no one really appreciates my efforts. I hate the greediness of kids who think they are entitled to presents when they have done nothing to deserve them. I hate the commercialism and the pressure to do things, to have fun, to be Merry.

This Christmas we will be all alone. My blind friend could not make it down from Scotland after all. It's the weather, you see.  So there really isn't anything in Christmas for me. No presents for me. No adult conversation. No hugs. No one to say thank you, this is lovely. No one to listen to music with. No one to share jokes with. Just a kid with its nose glued on the telly who will refuse to eat most of the food I so lovingly prepared and frustrate me every minute of the day.

Don't get me wrong; I love my kid. But I need some me time, an opportunity to relax and be looked after instead of always looking after others. And I want a little escape from reality now and then.

J. wrote to me yesterday: "I wish I could make you happier but I seem to fall at the very first hurdle all the time and I make things worse!!! Sorry, my good intentions do not outweigh my incompetance." This was a reply to my complaint about him contacting another Mistress on my behalf without me even asking him to.

J. ...  it is easy to make me happy: just visit! I need human contact more than anything else in the world, don't you know that? Fix the problems in your life and find some time for me. Simple, isn't it? If you would only listen to sound advice... but you get yourself deeper and deeper into trouble because you are not methodical. Nobody is perfect but the clever ones tend to let people who are better at something do it for them instead of trying to do it all themselves.

Can't wait for the holidays to finish so we can get back to our routine.

Apologies for the outburst. I know there are loads of people worse off and I am grateful for what we've got, except for the new carpet stain... and the chesty coughs.

Enjoy tomorrow!