She lamented about the situation to her friend J., instead. Her friend said he'd come and keep her company. It wouldn't have been the same, but at least her mind would be occupied.
As the sleepover day drew closer, her heart sunk lower and lower. The night before they cuddled up in the sofa and reassured each other that they would be brave and try to have fun - the child at the sleepover, and the mummy at home.
The day dawned and the first words out of her child's mouth were 'Sleepover Day!' She bit back the tears and helped make the overnight bag. Where was he? Would he come before the kid went or just after? And should she warn him about all the ice outside?
She waved to her child through the taxi window, blowing kisses in the air. The little one clang to the car window and stared at the mummy whose eyes had welled with tears. Then the car pulled out of the kerb and disappeared around the corner taking Tania's joy away from her.
Tania waited for his arrival. She sat motionless in her chair, devoid of emotion. The clock on the mantelpiece ticked the hours away. It was getting dark outside. 'He is not coming,' her inner voice told her. 'That's alright; I didn't really expect him to show up,' she lied to herself.
She got online, trying to find some consolation on the Internet. Most people were celebrating the holidays with family, so there were very few souls online. She checked her email. Nothing; not even junk mail. Did junk generators take a holiday, too? she wondered.
She made herself some dinner - leftovers from the big day - and took it to the living room. No point eating at the table alone. She set her plate on the coffee table, next to the laptop. A ping notified her of an incoming email. It was from him. Maybe to apologise for letting me down, she thought.
She read the email with eagerness, but soon realised it was a fantasy that he had written involving him and her. A cold shiver ran through her body. Et tu Brutus? she wanted to ask. It couldn't have been a more wrong moment to reveal one's fantasies. Still, she responded to his email, pointing out some glaring mistakes in grammar, syntax and reason. Yes, reason was a big one for her. She couldn't lose herself in a story unless it made sense.
He was hurt by her candid response. He did not see the positives: that she has spent time to read, evaluate, and respond to it, despite her being in the worst state of mind and missing her kid like crazy.
'Why didn't you come as promised?'' she asked.
'I was expecting you to give me a time slot that would be appropriate to visit,' he replied.
'I thought you'd just tie up loose ends and come as soon as you were ready!'
Bad communication, but there was still time to salvage the day. However, Tania felt so vulnerable that she knew she'd have no control of herself.
'It's best you don't come now or we'll end up having sex for all the wrong reasons,' she discouraged him.
His response showed a man of understanding.
They both agreed to be chaste that night. Tania proposed he joined her for breakfast. She licked her lips in anticipation of the sweet taste of sugar ring doughnuts. Wouldn't that make everything alright? Bit of food to drown one's sorrows in?
She waited by her laptop for his response, but none came. Eventually she got fed up staring at a blank screen and turned the computer off. She knew he had her phone number, so he could ring or text her his response.
The morning came. Tania rubbed the sleep off her eyes and stared at the clock. 9.45 am. She had no idea what time she had turned in, but it had been hard to fall asleep in the empty house. Her only consolation was that the little one was having fun with friends.
She wrapped her tattered gown around her body and plodded into the kitchen to make herself some coffee and toast. Then opened the laptop to check her emails. Surprise-surprise, there was one from him saying he had waited till 1 am for her to tell him what time he should bring breakfast and mentioning that doughnuts were too fatty and unhealthy, even for him that had a slim figure. She sighed, then fired off a response telling him that he should have used the phone - it was a wonderful invention after all, and very handy!
The email ping pong continued and he suggested he visited for lunch. She shuddered at the thought because there was nothing left, and without a child in the house she had no reason to cook and it was too late to come up with something worthwhile. If there was one thing about Tania, she never wanted to be caught unprepared. So she refused his offer and told him to go visit his relatives instead.
She didn't hear from him till the following morning. He wrote her a passionate email, probably fuelled by alcohol, that explained a lot of things about his behaviour. He was complaining why she had turned his offer of lunch down and she was surprised to read he had wanted to bring lunch in along with flowers - he certainly had given no indication that he had such in mind, and she was not used to him being proactive.
She tutted at her laptop scrolling back up to the email. It all felt like a scene from the Theatre of the Absurd.
Tania sank back in her chair. Oh if only things had been different! She closed her eyes and played out different scenarios.
...
In the first scenario, J. had actually picked up the phone and asked her what time it would have been best to visit. 'The sooner the better,' she had replied. So he had come prior to the child's departure - the child was strangely fond of this awkward man, and the departure was a happy occasion, instead of a sad one. Then the two adults had sat together in the sofa, his hand on hers, his words consoling her, his tales entertaining her, taking her mind off her worries. He might have spent the night in her bed and she might have sought comfort in his arms; however, he would have been strong and refused her sexual advances, knowing that she was too fragile to make sound decisions and not wishing to take advantage of her.
...
In the second scenario, J. had gotten fed up of waiting to be told a time to arrive, so he had taken things in his hands. He rang Tania to tell her - not ask her - to be ready in half an hour as he was coming to take her out.
'What? Where?' she'd ask, totally thrown off. 'I can't go out!'
'Sure you can,' he'd respond. 'You are free today, remember?'
'Yes, but I am not ready.'
'Duh!' he'd laugh, 'that's why I am being kind and giving you half an hour to get yourself ready.'
'You can't do this to me!' she'd protest looking at her sorry state in the big mirror.
'Can't I?' he'd smile. 'We'll see about that.'
She'd hop in the shower, angry with his insolence. How dare he disturb her cloud of misery! She had planned to spend the day in her old, tattered clothes, not make herself look beautiful for someone. But now he was coming and there was no disputing this fact. She couldn't have him see her at her worst. FFS! she'd say out loud, who does he think he is! But the walls of the house would not respond and the clock by her bedside would say 'hurry up!'
Then J. would show up at the door and compliment her on her appearance. She'd frown, not wanting to show she was secretly pleased by his comment. He'd ignore her frown and lead her to his car. Then he'd take her for a drive in the snowy countryside. She'd relax, despite her intentions not to. And by the time they stopped in that pub, she'd be enjoying herself once more. Nothing like a bit of fresh air and a roaring fire to mend one's spirits up.
...
In the third scenario, J. had not made it on the day of the child's departure but had picked up the phone and confirmed a time that doughnuts would have been required. Tania would have slept peacefully that night knowing that tomorrow would be a happier day and she would not be alone. At 8 am, J. would have given her a quick call to say he was on his way. She'd rush into the shower to scrub herself clean and wash away the tears of last night. She'd welcome him with a big smile and would scoff down the fresh doughnuts, her need for food being stronger than her restraint. They'd spend the morning talking as he rubbed her feet and soothed her mind. Then he'd leave just before the housekeeper was due to arrive.
...
Then there's the fourth scenario, where she agrees to him coming over for lunch although she has nothing worthwhile to feed him. Never mind, her self reassures her, we've all eaten too much these days, he'll be happy with a cheese omelette.
The housekeeper is busy cleaning when he rings the bell but puts her duster down to open the door. 'Tania, there's a nice surprise for you!' she calls out from the entrance hall. Tania gets up from her chair and is met by a smiling J. who is holding a large bouquet of flowers and a shopping bag.
'What is all this?' Tania asks, delighted to the core.
'What? Did you think I'd let you cook on a special day like this?' he responds feigning offence.
They'd spent the rest of the afternoon together listening to music and drinking some wine. Then the child would come home to a happy mummy and all would be fine in the world.
...
Which scenario would you have chosen if you had been the author of your own life?
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