Today was the Christmas Fair of the local school and my child was going to be singing with the choir. J. came to support us - he promised he would, and he did. Bless! But the day ended up with tears and frustration.
First of all, I don't know about you, but when I ask for a Coke, or Pepsi, or Sprite or 7Up, I mean just that. Not a Diet Coke or other sugarfree drink. I got issues with sweeteners, alright? And I am not dumb to say I want one thing when I want another, so please subs out there, don't try to second-guess me, just open up your ears and listen to what I am saying. I am very clear.
After going back and forth a few times, J. brought me some kind of nameless lemonade which was of course warm. How can a person drink a warm soft drink? I was angry at the organisers for not putting drinks in the fridge from the night before. Anyway...
The time for the choir came, but it was so disorganised that most people did not realise there were children singing in a corner of the gym. The choir Mistress did not arrange the kids according to height with the result that the little ones were buried behind the older children. My child who lacks confidence anyway virtually disappeared. Could not take a photo or video to remember the day. This of course reminded me of all the wasted years that I was struggling with health and other problems and, although I should not let it bother me, it hurts! I thought of the dad/slave who has not been around much and blamed him for his child's lack of confidence - there is only so much I can teach our offspring and real confidence springs from having two loving parents around you.
I feel so down. Christmas is almost upon us and everyone will be celebrating with their families and friends, but we'll be all alone. Do you reckon if I put out a big enough stocking, Santa will fit a nice man in it for me? Someone who will want me for me and not for the kinky stuff I can do to him? Someone who will embrace my child and fill in that huge gap?
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